Celebration of Life

Moving beyond my pain and celebrating life.

Monday, June 23, 2008

What are you afraid of?

David McMahon at: http://david-mcmahon.blogspot.com/, posed the question, "What are you most afraid of?"

Being a strong willed and independent Wyoming woman, my initial response was, nothing absolutely nothing! But, then I started thinking about the question and what "fear" really means to me and I found that I do have an underlying fear.

I have had plenty of sadness and pain in my life in the last few years but through it all I do not remember the emotion of fear. Even at the time of the car accident, when we were t-boned by a cattle truck, I did not feel fear. I can remember feeling very sad at the deaths of my husband and mother recently but not fearful. I have become frightened when lightning struck too close or when another driver almost runs into me and I have become frightened when my children were sick or hurt but it was always temporary. I am not even afraid of death...

What frightens me is failure and rejection. I fear that I am not a good enough person, a good enough mother, a good enough employee and by failing, I will be rejected. I have spent my entire life trying to fit into the "normal" category because as a child, my father constantly told me that I was stupid and retarded. I just wanted to be "normal" not those labels so I have worked very hard just to fit in; I want to belong and be accepted.

So now you know what frightens me and makes me retreat into my shell like a turtle sometimes.
Yes, this makes me "normal".

Have a great day, everyone!


  • At June 24, 2008 at 10:25 AM , Blogger Ms. Creek said...

    very honest and deep blog post, jolene. seems like you put failure/rejection in a cause/effect mode with both having quite critical and negative judgments of yourself by someone else's opinion. Self-worth, I have found, has to be intrinsic not extrinsic and that's by a lot of hard counseling work to get to that point. you named why you feel this way...is your head and heart in agreement? that's a biggy too! love you!

  • At June 24, 2008 at 10:37 AM , Blogger Ornery's Wife said...

    Thanks for visiting Miller Manor and my "fear" post. It is always fun to get on David's list because I meet so many new people!

    Having been obese my entire life, I can certainly empathize with your post here about rejection. Often it is subtle and covert, which is very difficult to combat. In recent months, however, I have been learning to base my opinion of myself and my worth on what God's word says about me. That has helped a great deal to overcome feelings of inadequacy and nonacceptance. He has a very high opinion of us, and when we get on the same page as He is, we get a little brighter perspective of who we really are.

  • At June 24, 2008 at 11:10 AM , Blogger Celebration of Life said...

    Ellie: Yes, my head and heart in agreement. The mountain of self-esteem I have is built one pebble of accomplishments at a time stacked on each other. Did I do it right? Will it crumble? I hope not!

    TM: Thanks for your comment. I enjoyed reading your 'fear' post.

  • At June 24, 2008 at 12:40 PM , Blogger Velvet Ginger (Rubye Jean) said...

    Deep honest self annalysis!
    It takes alot to admit or even discuss these things. I am proud of you!

  • At June 24, 2008 at 5:14 PM , Blogger A.Bananna said...

    I learned something new about you Aunt Jo. I never knew this. =^) I think you are a wonderful person inside and out. we should not be fearful of failure beause that is how we learn and grow. I love you!

  • At June 24, 2008 at 7:37 PM , Blogger Jeni said...

    Fear of rejection -boy, there's another one I've had for years and years and was never able to deal with it in a good way. Now, I deal with it by putting it all behind me because of my health issues -doesn't seem so wrong then somehow to say "Well, I am no longer able to work" as opposed to constantly getting rejected for various types of jobs -or in relationships to. Still nags at me a little now and then but doesn't consume me the way it did before.

  • At June 24, 2008 at 8:56 PM , Blogger Ms. Creek said...

    love you, jo jo.

  • At June 25, 2008 at 9:36 AM , Blogger Velvet Ginger (Rubye Jean) said...

    Love you Jo Jo!
    We are all human...don't be too hard on yourself...you are a wonderful person even if you are not Perfect!!!
    (who wants perfect?)
    *one of my hard life lessons

  • At June 25, 2008 at 10:17 AM , Blogger A.Bananna said...

    I love you aunt BO-BO!!

  • At June 25, 2008 at 10:16 PM , Blogger Ms. Creek said...

    well, the biggest problem with fear is when there is an "unknown" factor. that's when you have to diffuse all that power it seems to have by being proactive...just like we talked. i love you. it's okay to be nervous aobut what ou are going through, that is natural and it doens't mean you won't do well, just because you are nervous.


  • At June 26, 2008 at 7:25 AM , Blogger Lynetta said...

    Love you Mrs. Finechina! As always, I am very proud of you for always growing, learning, and reaching.

    Sometimes it's easy to believe the lies that society (and even loved ones) tell us instead of the truth, i.e. the definition of successful, normal, good, etc. We even project those feelings/lies on to how God views us instead of going to the Bible. I forget that God rescued me from darkness and brought me into the Son's kingdom!
    I forget that I am Mrs. Crystal.

    So glad those things are true, even when I (and you) don't remember. :-)

  • At June 26, 2008 at 9:52 AM , Blogger A.Bananna said...

    well....come and see my blog....I have something got you! come get it!! hurry hurry!

  • At June 26, 2008 at 12:55 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

    Fear of the unknown is mine. I can't attempt anything unfamiliar without finding out everything I can about it.

    My Mother never, never let us use the word "retarded" in a derogatory manner.

    HUGS to you Jo-Jo.

  • At June 26, 2008 at 2:46 PM , Blogger Ms. Creek said...

    diffuse the fear...sweet ditty...

  • At June 26, 2008 at 5:30 PM , Blogger CrazyCath said...

    Excellent honest post. I really can empathise with this but didn't have your courage (I took a slightly different angle on it.)

    Know that you do belong and will never be rejected here.

  • At June 27, 2008 at 7:15 AM , Blogger San said...

    Jo, it takes courage to admit such fears, still more to locate the source. It's amazing to what degree a parent can shape a child's sense of self by making comments, things they may not even mean, which may actually be mindless repetitions of things they heard as a kid.

    To live consciously and with power and responsibility--that's the life of courage, and I'd say you are living it and are an inspiration.

    Love and hugs from the high desert of New Mexico...

  • At June 27, 2008 at 9:17 AM , Blogger A.Bananna said...

    howdy!! I love you! have a great weekend!

  • At June 27, 2008 at 9:29 AM , Blogger Celebration of Life said...

    Thank you everyone for your kind words of love and encouragement.

    As you might of surmised, I had a rough week, but I am happy to report that it all turned out well.

    I appreciate everyone's prayers, positive energy and spiritual intervention on all levels.

    Love and hugs to all of you!


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